a nightmare

Finally..something i have been dreading most really happened. making a great decision between SJ and church. many times i have been giving up my chance of going to church ( i swear) for the sake of sj. im not trying to say i have done alot for sj la. but not very little definitely. it's just this one time... one major time that i have no choice ( i swear again) but to go for church thing instead of sj. i thot that would be case closed. cos i cant do anything to change my decision..except if i tear up my baptism certificate..convert to some other religion and fall out with my entire family.

it's really not up to me.. i swear im not using church as an excuse not to go sj as i would never do that. it's a big sin ok. no one would truely understand my situation now..unless they are roman catholics too. CONFIRMATION. that's a very big word. it's one big sacrament in my life. hey..i spent like 9++ years plus this year equal to ten and i cant remember if there was any kindergarten level in church.. just for this word --> CONFIRMATION. it's just like o'levels..marriage or any other thing comparable to that. every saturday/sunday i have to sacrifice my day to go church to study about the bible..teachings..continuously for TEN YEARS..just for confirmation. and now i am expected to give up going for this confirmation camp for first aid competition. HELLO.. not everyone gets to live a carefree life not worrying about confirmation.. cant people understand? if confirmation camp did not clash with first aid competition i would definitely die-hard go for first aid competition!!!! it's not within my means now... going for this confirmation camp is the same as going for o'levels... im not trying to do this to pull my team down too.. who would want his/her own team to lose out the chance of going for competiton?? am i so stupid as that?

i really want to finish up my last bit before i leave sj for good. if i have the chance to decide why wouldnt i go for competition?

does anyone ever understand the consequence of not going the confirmation camp??
- i will not ever get the chance to be confirmed this year..
- i have to stay back in sec4 next year in church hanging around with people all 1 year younger
than me
- i have to spend another year worth of every saturday to go church for lessons
- i cant get confirmed as a true christian
- can never guess what my entire family will do with me. entire family meaning my grandma to
my aunties my parents my cousins. whoeva else. i'll get kick out of house?
- parents looking up for mrs wai in school
- wadeva bad stuff that comes to your mind.

well so if i choose to go for sj i would be recognised as some selfless person.. committed to sj so much to give up my religion?? wow everyone would be praising me? i dun want that. i just want to do what i think is right for me. i dun want to destroy my life as a christian just because of this competition, just because to make myself great.

do i even have a chance to decide? why cant people understand. now im being recognised as wad? a sj-member that's not committed to sj enough? and swiss cant get gold for caa just because of me? even if we go for competition are we sure winners? wad if we lose.

count me selfish or wad. i dun mind... nothing can do to make me not go for the camp. it's my religion..if you were me would you choose the other way? if you would. then you are very great. im sorry i cant do what is expected.

im sorry to my team..really sorry. but at least you guys understand.